For a long time I've wished for an Old Testament wine list. You know how wine lists usually are: a producer name, a vineyard site or something, a vintage, a price. It is all so nice and calm, like a strip mall in Emeryville (here is the housing goods store, here is the grocery store, there is the drugstore, here is the pizza place, that's all that needs be, yes?).
Instead I wish for an Old Testament. Like this wine is here on this list because Joseph begat Jacob who begat Abraham who begat...something like that. I'd like a story. Not even necessarily THE story, just a story.
Like, this wine is here because I was hanging with the importer once late night and he let slip after too many Mai Tais that this cuvee was completely bangin', and he wished he could get more of an allocation from the producer. So I waited a couple of months until it got brought in and then I was all like "Umm, you know, that stuff we have been buying is good and all, but I just feel like going with this other cuvee this go around" and the SAME DUDE who had told me in the first place, but couldn't remember, was all impressed with my insight. Thinks I'm a regular Moses now.
I'd like a story, you know?
And some justification, perhaps. An explanation of the sommelier's ways to the ordinary customer man. As in: this is one bottle out of the 5 cases that I bought at way too high of a price because the sales rep a) is hot or b) is pals with my boss or c) has good weed or d) showed me that the wine was reviewed favorably and I was a sucker for a number. Not everyone is Job. I get that. Just level with me and tell me what happened.
Or: Well, I mean, it sells through. Sure it is shit. But we buy it, we sell it. Simple. Who wants to be Saul in the equation "Saul sells his 1,000s and David sells his 10,000s"? Who?
Possibly even an outcome would be nice. The Old Testament was good with outcomes. Like, yeah, she turned back, and just like that, Pillar of Salt. I'd like that same kind of sense that there was a resolution. Right there on the list. For example:
2004 XYZ Cabernet Sauvignon (Napa, Calif.) $210
Dude had this extracted red wine with his lobster, we watched in horror as he turned into an incredible braggart and self-regarding bore, regaling all who would or would not listen with his tales of hanging out with Aubert de Villaine.
That sort of thing.
Maybe this is too much to ask.