Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Let's have some orange juice together
My floor mat, the little rug that was outside of my door in the hallway, was taken some time not long ago. I have yet to locate the door mat, or understand why it was stolen. Many of you, perhaps because you have heard about this, have sent me emails of condolence recently. I receive a new email or text message expressing sympathy with my situation approximately every five minutes between 6am and midnight each day. Which is very kind of you all, and deeply appreciated. It is during this period, when I feel like I have nowhere to remove my shoes and I don't know whom to trust, that I most need your expressions of solidarity. I am doormat-less and stupefied.
I would mention, however, that I am unable to get a drink with each of you. Perhaps because I am in the wine and spirits business, everyone I know has suggested that I go to a bar with them. I have about 350 offers to get shit faced in my inbox. Please understand that it is precisely during this very difficult time that I need my wits about me. I cannot go about getting drunk each and every evening, as much as I may have spent several years of my life doing just that in the past. The reality is, I cannot live like that anymore. I have hit bottom. I do not even have a door mat at this point. I need to overcome this dire circumstance. There is a need to strategize beyond the level of figuring out how to win the next round of beer pong. So please, stop asking me to get hammered with you.
As an alternative, I would suggest that you offer to buy me breakfast. That way, I can be assured of having at least one square meal a day for the next year or so as I deal with this impoverished condition and the grief that I now feel. And I can stay somewhat sober if we try to stear clear of the mimosas.
So, here is my offer to you: please be my friend, but let's go ahead and express that friendship over a toasted bagel and lox with a side of steaming joe. K?