Many of you have been nice of enough to send me kind messages recently, expressing concern and support during this whole jobless downtime that I am in. And I really do appreciate that. In fact, the sheer number of emails and texts has been pretty amazing. To be honest, there was more than one person that I didn't expect to EVER hear from again who took time out from a busy day to write with an offer of help. It just all goes to show that, in the end, most people are good people most of the time.
But some of you out there haven't bothered to send that note, or that text, or place that phone call, and you know what? I'm going to remember your ass. That's right! Each day I waited, and you know what? Nothing. Uh-huh. You left me hanging when I needed you most. You might think that it's all good and that it won't matter now that I am down and out, but you know what? I'm going to claw my way back to the top just so that I can be there to spite you. Count on it. There will be payback. I will not forget how you left me in the cold, and there will be consequences for you. In fact, I'm calling you out right NOW!! That's right. You didn't expect me to do it, but here it is, my So-Called-Friends-who-didn't-lift-a-finger-when-I-needed-them-Most list:
I was your BIGGEST FAN, Jon, and this is how you go ahead and treat me?? No call, no letter, no nothing? Maybe you thought I wouldn't notice, but I DID. I was there for you, Jonny Boy, yes I was! When you were going at it with Bill O'Reilly I was with you, man! And I watched every episode of your show, Jon, even after the writers strike when it started to suck! I even watched that one with Jennifer Aniston where it was all uncomfortable because you still have a crush on her but she doesn't dig you at all. I stood by you, man. You spent all that time trying to get LeBron James to move to New York, but what about the people who were already here, Jon? Huh? What about that phone call? We are over, man. I'm cancelling cable. Over and out. You are nothing to me now.
Yeah Dude, you said you didn't steal my Big Wheels, but now I see it was you all along! You thought you could get away with it all these years, but you slipped Kid! If you hadn't taken it you would have sent me a text or something, to see how I was doing, but NOOOOO. You didn't do anything. Because you were scared I was already on to you! You didn't want to call attention to yourself. Well it didn't work! I KNOW it was you now, even though you let Petey Markowitz take the fall way back then. SHAME, Billy. That's all you've got comin' to you, and all you EVER will have comin' to you unless you return my Big Wheels, man. And it better be candy apple red with the powder blue seat, just like mine was before. Don't go slippin' and try to give me no yellow seat, or anything like that. I'll know, man. I'll know it ain't the one. That's right. You fooled me once, but I am on to you now.
You thought you could win me over with that line about how I was your favorite little reader, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I knew all along you were a big PHONY. You didn't hesitate to call me when I had that overdue volumne of Finnegans Wake, so I know you have my number, too! You could have phoned any time, but you didn't! Well, I'll tell you what: if you ever thought you would see your de Toqueville book again you were WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. We ain't no friends no more, Mrs. Belligram, and I know you'd be upset to hear me phrase it that way!
And I sent you a Christmas card every year, Mahmoud! Even though you said you didn't celebrate Christmas, I still took the time to send you a nice Hallmark Signature Series a few days before every December 25th! And like that meant nothing to you, you just forgot about me, man. Forgot about me when I needed you the most! Remember that time that I picked up that crumpled paper bag that was lying on the floor in the hallway and I threw that thing away? Huh? Do you even remember that? That bag wasn't mine, Mahmoud, but I still took care of it. And you just turn around and treat that like it was nothing! I needed you, man! And don't you tell me that you don't have a phone! I see that phone right there in your picture! You could have used that thing! I know you get a 15 minute break every day. Don't pretend like you couldn't have taken a second to ring me up. I know better. I know you are doing it on purpose. You are just trying to spite me with this behavior. Well, next time, I'm leaving that bag right where it is!
And I worked sooooo hard on that Checks and Balances paper for you! You said that it was the duty of each of us to understand and participate in the system, but where was your participation when I needed it the most? Huh, Mr. Ritchie?? I want you to explain that. In fact, you know what? I'm giving you an F, Mr. Ritchie. That's right! A big fat F. F is for Failure, Mr. Ritchie! 'Cause that's what you deserve. You failed to help me, Mr. Ritchie, and I'll never forget that. And I always said you were so much better than Mr. Chalmers when everybody else used to say different because you assigned so much homework. But did I care? Noooooooooooooooo. No, I did not. I stuck up for you, Mr. Ritchie, and this is how you have repaid me. Don't you think for a moment that I am going to forget this. This is an injustice, how you have behaved, Sir. I hope nobody ever believes you again when you say you don't grade on a curve, because you dooooooo! But I know better now, Sir. Yes, I do.