Saturday, April 16, 2011

Shopping with Sipowicz

A lot of people just assumed that because he didn't drink anymore, that Sipowicz just never purchased wine. But it wasn't true. He was always buying wine. For gifts and stuff like that. And it went far beyond a hobby for him. He meant it. He'd sit in a stakeout all day long doing crosschecks on Winesearcher. He had a stack of offers on his desk. The thing about Andy was that he didn't so much shop for wine as interrogate the salestaff of wine shops. And he would break them. It was really something.

Andy: So this "Can't Miss" offer you say you have, why don't you just go over that with me one more time?

Salesperson 1: Look, it's like I told you. For a limited time, we are offering a great deal. You buy a case of this wine, and you get 20% off the price of the case. It's a great deal.

Andy: Listen jerkoff, I'm going to tell you what a great deal is, and there ain't going to be no full case, neither. You are going to give me that discount on a single bottle, so that I can give this here nice wine to my niece for her birthday. You are going to help me with this thing I got to do. Do you Understand?

Salesperson 1: Hey, I mean, the offer is on the case purchase, you know?

Andy: You like smacking people around with these case charges, huh? You like making nice girls cry on their birthday 'cause they got junk wine? Right. You just go ahead and forget about that. You go ahead and talk to me one more time about a full case and I am going to get REAL ANGRY, got that?

Salesperson 1: Well, uh, I mean, I would have to speak with my boss about it.

Andy: Nuh-uh. This is just us. Me and you. I served my country. I served my city. I spent my whole adult life getting killers and rapists and thieves off the street. I've done good in my life. But now you are going to hang me out for some full case purchase? That's the last straw. You are messing with the WRONG COP. This is how this is going to play out: you are going to take care of this right here, right now, at the register. And you are going to back off this case buy baloney like it never happened. And you ain't going to get no more chances, neither.

Salesperson 1: Ur, uh, sure, sure, I mean, just, sure, whatever you say. Whatever you say.

It wasn't just about pricing, either. Andy would have these guys on the ropes about taste and quality and all that, too.

Andy: You must have some sense of humor selling me that wine you sold me the other day.

Salesperson 2: Come 'on, man, that was good stuff, man. I sold you good stuff.

Andy: Yeah, I know what you said. "It'll charm the pants off a butterfly" you said, like you was doing me a big favor. And I went for it. But you know what? I'M BACK. And all those butterflies? They kept their pants on. So we got a problem. I am very unhappy at this moment. So you better go ahead and make this right. And I'm not giving you a whole lot more chances. You got that, scumbag?

Salesperson 2: Hey, come 'on. Be reasonable, man.

Andy: You aren't hearing me. This is what is going to happen: I'm going to walk out of here with a full refund, and maybe even one of them free wine keys as well. You got that? Yes or no? And the answer better be yes. You follow me? Or you AREN'T going to like what's going to happen, and I might do something that I regret.

Salesperson 2: Okay, man. Okay. Whatever you say. Whatever you say. Just put down the chair, man.

Andy: Don't you ever waste my time about butterflies again. Or I won't take responsibility for what happens. And you will be sorry for the rest of your life.

Salesperson 2: I got it, man. I got it. Just, just take the wine key, man. Just take the wine key right out of here.

And the thing about Andy, he wouldn't be talked down to about his understanding of wine, either. I remember this one time that some kid tried to sell Andy some high abv shiraz, and Andy just wasn't having it.

Andy: What'd you just try to sell me? SHIRAZ???? Well, I just need a minute to cool down. Look, I know you have resentments against me because I'm old, and I'm fat, and I don't wear skinny hipster jeans, but this is not how you are going to resolve these issues between us. You might have some real doubt about what I am capable of buying. Well, I am here to put that doubt to rest. Cour-Cheverny. Granite grown Muscadet. TROCKEN RIESLING FROM THE NAHE!! AMBONNAY ROUGE!!! I been there in that line, buying those wines. And nothing you can say is going to take that away from me. Whatever happened back there, whatever you thought you were doing, it wasn't right. I DO NOT PURCHASE RIVERINA. Do you understand? Do you understand that I have never been more serious about anything in my ENTIRE LIFE???

I have to say, sometimes Andy flew off the handle just a little bit when it came to wine, but at the end of the day, you just had to respect the guy.

No comments: